Your colleague says something that immediately makes you feel
uncomfortable. He thinks he’s just being funny, but the comment is
inappropriate — maybe even offensive, sexist, or racist. What should you
say or do if you find yourself in this situation? Is there a way to draw
attention to the comment without putting the other person on the
defensive? And are you risking your reputation, job, or career by speaking up?
What the Experts Say
There’s no denying that this is a tough
situation. Joan Williams, founding director of the Center for WorkLife Law at
UC Hastings College of the Law, says that these decisions are particularly
risky because they involve “two of the most corrosive elements of bias in the
workplace”: the uncertainty that whether what you heard is bias and the fear
that you might be penalized for how you handle it. It’s normal to question
ourselves in these situations, wondering whether we heard the person right
or if it was just a joke.
Even if you think you would
say something in the situation, you may find the reality is different. Research
by Alexander Czopp, the director of the Center for Cross-Cultural Research at
Western Washington University, and his colleagues show that there is a
“discrepancy between what people predict they would do and what they actually
do.” Here’s some advice for the next time a colleague says something offensive.
Weigh the benefits of speaking up…
The first step is to decide whether it’s
worth addressing the comment. There are certainly good reasons to do so.
“Preserving your own sense of integrity” and “ridding the workplace of
racism” are laudable goals, Williams notes. “If you don’t speak up, you’re
signaling that this is OK. You’ve essentially just given the person permission
to do it again.” This might also be an opportunity to change your colleague’s
behavior for the better — a chance you don’t want to miss. Czopp’s
research shows that “addressing
offensive behavior in the right way in the moment can change it in the future.”
If you’re in a position of power, the
stakes are higher. Managers have a responsibility (in some cases a legal
one) to make sure no one feels threatened or uncomfortable at work, and studies show that you have more influence if you are not the subject
of the bias, says Williams. “When it comes to sexism, for example, men tend to
be more persuasive when confronting people. We afford them more credibility
because it’s not their ‘game.’”
…against the costs
Williams adds that you need to
consider whom you’re dealing with, what their reaction might be, and what the
political costs will be if you call them out. They might be dismissive (“You’re
overreacting. It was just a joke.”) or get defensive (“What are you accusing me
of?”). So ask yourself: How does this person normally react to being
challenged? Are they generally self-aware? Well-intended?
You’ll also want to consider the
person’s authority over you and whether they’re likely to penalize you for
speaking up. “Your job security or personal safety may be at risk,” says Czopp.
This is especially true if you’re part of a group already subject to bias. Williams’s
research shows that women and
people of color get more pushback when they’re assertive. That’s not to say you
shouldn’t speak up, but you should be realistic about the consequences of doing
so. If your ultimate aim is to keep your job, you may decide to keep quiet.
Don’t make assumptions
If you decide to say something, approach
the situation as if the person didn’t mean to offend you. Most of the time,
“the person is just clueless and doesn’t know how their behavior is being
interpreted,” Williams explains. Be compassionate; chances are, you’ve made
mistakes too. “Have we all made stupid comments? Sure. You’re not perfect
either,” says Williams. You might even share your own experience of saying
something you later wished you could take back. Explaining that you’ve been in
similar situations may make the person less defensive and more open to hearing
your perspective.
Don’t accuse
Be careful not to level accusations.
Czopp’s research shows that harsh statements, such as “That’s racist,” resulted
in much more defensive reactions. He says that most people have an “exaggerated
view” of what these terms mean, so they react strongly: “We think of white
supremacists, the KKK, and cross burning — anything that implies that
we’re on the same continuum as those things is upsetting.” Williams agrees: “It
might feel righteous to call people out, but no one wants to hear that
they’re being sexist, racist, or otherwise offensive.”
Explain your reaction to the comment
Instead of labeling the comment as offensive, Williams and Czopp both
advise explaining how it makes you feel. You might say “I know
it wasn’t your intent, but that made me uncomfortable” or “I’m confused by
what you said.” Don’t think of this as sidestepping the issue, Czopp says.
“It’s a much more effective approach that is “more likely to change their
behavior in future situations.”
Ask a question
Williams suggests following your initial
statement with a question like “What did you mean by that comment?” or “What
information are you basing that on?” By engaging the person in a discussion, you
can help them explore their biases and clear up any possible misunderstandings.
You might even ask them to repeat what they said. This will prompt them to
think through what they meant by the remark, as well as its effect on others,
and give them a chance to take it back.
Share information
If the person doesn’t think their comment was offensive, you can help educate
them by offering an observation or more information. For example, if the person
suggested that your female colleague is slacking off by leaving work early, you
might say something like: “I read an interesting study the other day that found
that when working moms leave the office, we assume they’re taking care of their
kids. But when working dads leave the office, we don’t even notice.” It’s important
to do this in a way that isn’t passive-aggressive. The more genuine you are
about sharing information and not trapping the person in their bias, the more
likely they are to hear you.
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