How to co-parent with an unreasonable ex

By Michelle O'Neil on January 10, 2017Posted in Children and Parenting, Co-parenting

If you and your ex could get along perfectly well, you probably wouldn’t have needed a divorce in the first place. But once the divorce is over being able to co-parent with your ex is crucial to moving forward for you and your children. What happens if your ex is unreasonable or vindictive and you just can’t get along?

Here are some strategies for co-parenting in less than ideal relationships:

1.      Avoid using the children as tools for revenge – sometimes parents, maybe even without realizing it, withhold the other parent’s access to the child out of anger about the personal relationship. This is always a bad idea. The children usually know the real deal, so it is just making the bad actor parent look even worse to the children. In responding to the revenge parenting, it is best to respond with a positive attitude at all times, even go to the extreme in exuding positivity. For example, if one parent feigns a child’s illness to withhold access, reply “Thank you for letting me know so I can be prepared. I will have soup ready at home when we get there.”

2.    Don’t give the other parent ammunition – Be reliable, be on time, and bite your tongue. Don’t speak negatively in front of the children or to the children about your ex. If switching schedules triggers conflict, then do everything you can do stick to the written schedule without changes.

3.    Don’t use the children as messengers – as much as you don’t want to have direct communication with your ex that might lead to conflict, don’t put your children in that position either. Keep adult conversations between the adults.

4.    Consider using a third party to facilitate communication – If communication with your ex is impossible, try getting a family member or friend to run interference. Or ask your attorney to have a Parent Facilitator appointed to be the go between for communication about important issues.

5.     Reduce direct contact with your ex – Once your custody orders are in place, there should be very little need for direct communication with your ex unless there is a problem with the children. The custody orders spell out the details of who has the children when. If there’s a need for doctor visit or exchange of medicine, that communication can occur via text or email. And, stay on point. A program/app called Our Family Wizard is a good way to keep a record of all communication between you in a format that can easily be read by a judge or parent facilitator as well.

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