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Over 12 years ago, Nicole and her husband went into
their marriage with a prenuptial agreement—and haven’t discussed it since. “It
doesn’t affect our financial decisions now,” she says. However, “being open and
honest about finances before getting married and all through our marriage has
been really important. We are both very involved in all financial decisions.”
The couple both had something they were interested in
protecting—a piece of property and investments—and while the monetary value
wasn’t equal, the agreement was done respectfully and thoughtfully. “For us,
the prenup wasn’t contentious at all,” says Nicole. “It was just about
acknowledging what each of us had before starting our marriage.”
In an ideal world, every couple would head into the
financial portion of their union with the same logic and prenuptial safety net.
You don’t have to be rich to get a prenup
“Will you marry me?” is one of the most romantic
questions a person can be asked. “Will you sign this prenup?” is, historically,
one of the least. But the invitation to discuss your financial future together
is something that should make people smile instead of flinch.
If someone is requesting that their partner sign a
prenup, the stereotype is that there must be a trust issue. The reality,
however, is the opposite. Prenups are a positive step—even a necessary step
–for a couple to take, as well as a relationship-building tool that can
strengthen your union rather than infuse it with doubt. And you don’t have to
be rolling in dough to create a prenup either.
“Traditionally, we think of people like celebrities
who do prenups because they have a ton of money,” says Kristin M. Lis, family
law attorney and founding partner of Smedley & Lis, LLC in Woodbury, New
Jersey. And yet for the clients Lis sees, wealth is a relative term. “Perhaps
it’s the notion that when you don’t have a great deal of money, every dollar
counts, every asset counts,” he says. “Even if it’s a $100,000 home—even if you
proceed to ‘commingle’ your assets as of entry into the marriage—it is ‘safe’
no matter how valuable.”
Love and money
Of the couples who head to divorce attorneys every
year, finances are often one of the major problems in their marriage. This
should come as no surprise—far too many couples neglect to discuss money issues
before marrying, and this mistake can eventually undermine the relationship.
“The really tough thing about prenups is that no one wants to think about their
marriage not working out. You want to be picking out the color of table linens,
making a set list for your DJ, and planning the honeymoon, not the demise of a marriage
that hasn’t even started,” says Lis.
Not acknowledging or addressing potentially scary
financial situations may make some couples feel better because they are keeping
their love “free” and “unburdened.” But there is no escaping money ups and
downs. “A prenup causes couples to face, discuss, and understand their
respective positions on money. It is crucial that they have this understanding
before the marriage because the lack of communication often causes problems to
arise after the marriage,” says Jennifer Brandt, co-chair of the family law
group at Cozen O’Connor in Philadelphia.
Forget the prenup “stigma”
A number of recent studies have found that money is
the leading cause of stress in relationships, whether you and your partner
differ in spending and saving strategies, hide purchases from each other, or
lie about the price of items you have bought. Financial “infidelity” and
deception can be difficult to overcome. So addressing the obvious could
actually be helpful to a union that is focused on love alone.
“I advise clients to think about a prenup the way they
would about an insurance policy,” says Brandt. “You buy yourself protection
that you hope you will never need, but it certainly helps out if a problem does
arise.”
From the perspective of many a divorce attorney, it
can be foolish for people who do have considerable assets to choose not to have
a prenup. However, the divorce laws of a person’s state can help inform the
prenup decision, too. “Is it community property? Equitable distribution?
Something else?” asks Lis. It’s vital that you have an attorney review any
prenup to make sure it’s consistent with your state’s treatment of marital
assets.
Ultimately, each couple must evaluate their financial
situation and determine what move is best for them. But don’t let the stigma
around prenuptial agreements sway your judgement. The prenuptial contract, at
the very least, is simply protection should disaster strike. But more than
that, it’s the start of an important conversation you’ll be having with your
beloved for many years to come.
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