Michael Dreishpoon
Nobody says at
the wedding ceremony: “People have gathered together to celebrate the very
special love between BRIDE and GROOM, by joining them in marriage, for
approximately 3 years.” No one would hire that priest if that would be the
case. Sadly, though, a lot of marriages will end in divorce sooner or later,
according to data from the National Survey of Family Growth.
This
process comes with pain, anger and frustration in most cases. It is the
equivalent of performing surgery on yourself. But it doesn’t have to be that
way. You can always try to pull through this with dignity.
Here’s
how…
There Are Kids Involved
And
this is how it becomes infinitely more painful and complicated. Traumatic for
both parents and children at first, it turns out that staying in an unhealthy
marriage is far more difficult for children than a divorce.
In
order to protect your kids, you should try to smoothen the transition for them,
keeping them away from your conflicts or arguments. Furthermore, it is known
that children who have passed through their parent’s divorce will cope with it
better if they will keep a strong relationship with both parents.
You
can even try a program specially designed for situations like this, when the
parents need to make the relationship with their children even tighter. Another
option is for the parents to think of a plan to present to the kids and to
openly talk about everything. If you are going to move them to a new home, it
would be helpful if you would let them know that at least a few weeks before
the change.
Mediation Should Come First
It
is given that the ending of a marriage represents a carousel of emotions
–grief, pain, fear, you name it. The things you knew are never going to be the
same, you will have to build a life from scratch, and this is a heavy burden on
any person’s shoulders.
You
must keep in mind that all of these feelings are normal, in order to maintain
yourself calm, and that they will slowly subside in time. You mustn’t be too
harsh on yourself in this period, and most of all, if possible, you should be
kind with your partner, because the process will be much easier for both of
you.
In
order to not forget important details, you must consider writing some things
down, and use that list when you will talk to your ex-partner. You can
always discuss some of these things over email, if you are feeling that meeting
face to face would be too difficult.
Legal Options
A
rather simpler and cleaner way to handle a divorce is either by having a
collaborative one, or by mediation. For the first one, you will need
professional help from attorneys, and perhaps even divorce coaches or
therapists. They will be of great help when needing to divide a property, to
split finances and even on coping with the emotional stress.
There
are voices that disagree with this option, arguing that they are time and money
consuming, and that they rarely are experts. However, you can not contradict
the fact that it is a much cleaner way to end a marriage, being less
adversarial and personal.
Your
other option is mediation. In this case you will only have to deal with one
person – the mediator. In contrast with the collaborative divorce, this is more
of a long term process. In addition, you are allowed to consult an attorney if
you believe it is necessary, at any point of the mediation.
Undeniably,
cooperation and communication are the Holy Grail of divorces, since they are
usually very difficult to achieve. It does pay off, though, if you manage to
control your emotions and choose to be open in this process. The end goal is to
make the best decisions about your children, financial aspects or even about
ending a loving relationship in the proper way.
It
is critical to have a clear mind, since many mistakes are being made in the
heat of the moment that will probably impact later on. You must always think of
the end goal and of the fact that you will survive this bravely, with as little
bruises as possible.
A new chapter awaits…
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