It is hard to find anyone over thirty who doesn’t have at least one
evil-boss story. Some people have many of them. It’s hard to work under a
person who doesn’t get you, doesn’t appreciate your talents or just treats you
badly. It wears you out and makes you doubt yourself.
I’ve had a half-dozen horrendous bosses and I remember the sickening
feeling in my stomach when one of them would call me on the carpet or tell me
how to do my job — a job they hadn’t the slightest understanding of –
while I had to stand there and take it. I understand completely why
people like to swap tales about their awful managers.
There’s only problem, and that is the uncomfortable truth we don’t want to
talk about. Our evil bosses choose us, and we also choose them.
In any
situation where we end up working under someone we don’t respect, somehow
or other we put ourselves in that situation. The longer we stay in the job, the
more we own it. We can say “I hate my job” and even “I hate my boss!” but at a
certain point we have to take responsibility for our situation, too.
Responsibility is not the same as blame or shame. When you are beaten down
and discouraged, the last thing you want to hear is “It sounds like you’re in
an awful situation at work, but then again, you chose it!” Those might be the
most painful words you could possibly hear. “I chose it?!” you’ll say, aghast
and indignant. “I didn’t choose this situation. I hate it. If I could change
it, I would!”
We always know the names and descriptions of the barriers that stand before
us. We are always ready to describe the chains and shackles that keep up in
lousy situations. “You don’t understand — it’s hard to get a job in my field!”
you may think. “You don’t know how hard I’ve got it,” you might say. I
don’t blame you for feeling unequal to the challenge of changing your work
situation. Everybody feels that way at times.
Sometimes it feels comforting to believe we don’t have a choice — that we
are victims of circumstance, not to mention a victim of the evil boss. Being a
victim means we are not responsible for the awful things we experience at the
hands of our horrible manager.
One day you may get tired of being your boss’s victim. You may wake up and
say “If I really hate my boss that much, why am I still in this job?” The
minute your viewpoint changes, you will begin to see a path out of the woods.
You can job-hunt at night and on the weekends and land a better job before you
quit the one you have now.
It can feel scary to make changes. When we feel nervous about stepping out
of our comfort zone, the evil boss can serve as a handy scapegoat. The evil
boss becomes the reason your career isn’t going the way you hoped it would. The
horrible manager is responsible for your unhappy work situation.
It’s her fault! It’s his fault!
When something clicks in your brain and heart and you realize that your
awful boss is just an ordinary person, scared and unequal to his or her
assignment and more to be pitied than feared, you might soften and stop giving
your power away to a person who doesn’t deserve it. It’s very easy for us to
lose sight of the fact that our evil bosses are seldom as dastardly or as
powerful as we make them out to be.
We turn them from normal, cranky, bumbling supervisors into fire-breathing
monsters for a reason: if the boss is truly evil, then of course we can’t help
ourselves! If the boss is a mixture of Cruella deVille and Lord Voldemort, no
wonder our hands are tied!
We heard an evil-boss story from Margaret, who worked as a project manager
for a tech firm in Silicon Valley. Margaret’s boss Elizabeth was a classic
bully. She raked Margaret over the coals at the slightest provocation. One
Friday night, Elizabeth told Margaret to prepare some reports and show them to
Elizabeth at six p.m. in Elizabeth’s office.
Margaret brought the reports to her boss’s office and laid them out. No one
else was around — the rest of the team had already gone home. Elizabeth
immediately started criticizing Margaret’s work. “This analysis is shoddy!” she
fumed. “I thought you said you had an MBA!” On and on Elizabeth went, ripping
Margaret on every bit of work she’d done. After an exhausting hour getting
blasted by her manager, Margaret asked “Do you want me to resign?”
Elizabeth sat back in her chair and said “What? No! I don’t want you
to quit. I was just letting off steam!”
Margaret said “I’ll look at the reports again this weekend.” She packed up
her stuff and went home. She told her boyfriend Garrett “Maybe I’ll give notice
on Monday. I can’t take this abuse anymore. Maybe I should job-hunt full-time
and cross my fingers I get hired soon. This is too hard.”
Margaret went back to work on Monday. Elizabeth called her into Elizabeth’s
office. “Margaret,” she said, “I had a horrible week last week. I
won’t bore you with the details, but I wanted you to know I wasn’t myself.”
Elizabeth couldn’t bring herself to say “I’m sorry.”
Margaret said “That’s no problem, but I want to reiterate that I can
certainly move on and give notice if you don’t feel I am a good fit for my job.
Honestly Elizabeth, I’ve never had a manager or anyone else talk to me that way
before. We have to get on a different footing if I am going to keep working
here.” Elizabeth gaped at her.
Both women were silent for a minute. Finally Elizabeth said “I know I go
off sometimes. You can give it right back to me. That’s probably the best
thing.”
“I will,” said Margaret. “I need an employment agreement in that case. If
you get mad enough to send me packing, I’ll regret not having negotiated a
severance package, so let’s do it right now.”
They did. Margaret never got fired. Elizabeth never freaked out at her
again. Margaret and Elizabeth worked together for several years afterwards.
What changed the tense dynamic between them? Margaret changed the energy by
standing up to Elizabeth and speaking her truth.
Margaret didn’t have money in the bank. She didn’t have another job lined
up. She didn’t really want to job-hunt, but when Elizabeth said “I wasn’t
myself” Margaret knew she couldn’t wimp out again and sit there in silence a
second time.
Each of us has his or her own way of dealing with unpleasantness and
conflict at work. We all find ways to deal with the negative situations we
encounter. The more sticky or grueling situations we run into, the bigger our
muscles get — but only if we use them!
The one response to an unhappy relationship with your boss that will not
help you at all is also the most common response. It will not help you and will
weaken your muscles to complain to your friends about your awful boss and
otherwise do nothing to change your situation.
We only grow muscles when we use them — and remember, your vocal cords are
muscles, too!
You are way too powerful to become anybody’s victim. Go ahead and share
your evil-boss stories with your friends, but don’t forget that you are the
star of your movie, as well as its director. You cast your evil boss in his or
her role for a reason. There is something you’re supposed to learn from your
relationship with Mr. or Ms. Evil — what could that something be?
You might just have time to find out before you find your voice, take a
step and brush aside or climb over whatever obstacle is keeping you feeling
trapped. Remember who’s in charge of your career — you are!
Remember that only the people who get you, deserve you. If you know that
you deserve a better situation than the one you’ve got now, this is the perfect
time to throw away the helpless victim script and take charge of your life and
career. You might leave your evil boss or you might reform him or her the way
Margaret did. You won’t know which way things will go until you take a step
into the scariest part of the evil-boss movie — the part where you use your
powers!
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